Unveiling the Wheel of Power and Control: Understanding Abuse Dynamics in Mental Health

I cannot describe how common it is for clients to come into my office and tell me they had never experienced abuse in childhood but somehow entered into an abusive relationship as an adult. Usually this is because we are never taught the definitions of abuse at any point in our lives. Most people see abuse solely as a an act of physical harm. I think it's critical for everyone to understand however that abuse takes many forms and often escalates over time. What may start out as yelling and demeaning can turn into physical harm months or years into an abusive relationship.

Unmasking Abuse: The Wheel of Power and Control

Abuse transcends mere physical harm; it encompasses a spectrum of behaviors aimed at manipulating and exerting control over individuals. The Wheel of Power and Control serves as a visual representation of the tactics used to maintain dominance. From emotional manipulation to economic coercion, each segment of the wheel delineates all the various forms of abuse.

It is important to recognize we all do something on here.

For example, we may all use sarcasm from time-to-time. Maybe we cuss or yell. With mental health, we have to think about frequency, severity and if there is distress, dysfunction or danger associated with behaviors. Sarcasm in a joking way with your partner where you both laugh is different from using sarcasm every day with an intention of making the other person feel stupid.

Domestic Violence: Cycles

From the outside, it is difficult to understand how domestic violence cycles work-- think of the common phrase, "why don't you just leave them then?!"

I'd like to respond: if it was that easy, they would.

Domestic violence relationships don't begin with someone coming up and punching the other person in the face and asking them to be their partner. DV is a dance of one person crossing boundaries and the other person constantly shifting the boundary to accommodate their partner. This can look like chronically making excuses for another's poor behavior such as:

• They've had a long day and they didn't mean it

• They're tired and the kids have been really loud; maybe tomorrow will be better

• Maybe if I put more effort into house/dinner/sex/dates/kids/communication/my religion... then they would treat me lovingly like they used to

The cycle of abuse looks like we are with three different people: the abuser, the lovely person who tries to make-up for lashing out, and then a neutral in-between person who then falls back into becoming abusive. If the whole relationship were horrendous, if would be easier to leave. Individuals in these types of relationship are constantly holding out for the lovely person to come back, and stay.

What Do Boundaries Have to do With it?

Developing and enforcing firm boundaries in the beginning of the relationship sets the tone for what is acceptable in the relationship. I suggest looking at the Wheel of Power and Control as a guide as to what is not acceptable.

Allowing boundaries to be crossed, breeds resentment and allows the other person to become a worse version of theirselves.

Will we mess this up sometimes? Of course! But messing up may be a cue for us to explore why we are acting-out and how we can partner with our partner to solve underlying issues.

When Acting-Out is Unacceptable

Yes, we all mess up, but I want to be very clear that some actions are so severe they are illegal. It is illegal for us to go out onto the street and hit someone. It is illegal in Colorado to expose children to domestic violence. It is illegal to rape someone, even if they are your spouse-- and definitionally, this includes if your spouse is "merely submitting." If it is not an emphatic, yes, it is a, no. Harassment is illegal and defined by persistent acts, words or looks of intimidation. Stalking is illegal.

Moving Forward

It is my deepest hope for anyone who has experienced domestic violence is for you to know you are worthy of a beautiful life and deserve to have relationships without abuse. It can be a long road to rebuild oneself after a relationship of this kind, but it does happen. Forgive yourself for acting extraordinarily within extraordinary circumstances. Love yourself in way which is not cliche, but sincere and authentic. Learn to trust your emotions and understand they are speaking to you. Develop boundaries which demonstrate honor and respect for yourself. And know you don't have to do it all alone.