Mastering Effective Communication: Improving Relationships Through Simple Changes

We can often find ourselves grappling with the challenge of articulating thoughts, identifying needs, and expressing ourselves in a manner which resonates with others. This often leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, and barriers in fostering meaningful connections. There are simple tools and principles which can transform the way we communicate and ultimately enhance the quality of our relationships.

Understanding the Communication Conundrum

Communication encompasses far more than just words; it involves the interweaving of emotions, intentions, and needs. Often, miscommunication stems from a lack of clarity in expressing our feelings and desires. When these tense moments arise, communication transforms from a space of working together, into a space of being 'right' or winning an argument. The Gottmans are some of the most renown relationship researchers in the psychology world, and have boiled down these miscommunications in relationships into three major patterns which will ultimately lead to break-ups. These patterns however, can be applied to more than just romantic relationships, in my opinion.

The Gottman Method: Nurturing Healthy Relationships

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of The Gottman Institute, have dedicated decades to researching couples. They've found three major patterns of communication within relationships. We can turn away from our partners by shutting down emotionally or by physically leaving (also known as stonewalling). We can turn against our partners by becoming critical, defensive or contemptuous. Or we can turn towards our partners by exploring the presenting problems without judgement and with the intention of working together to solve the problem. Stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness and contempt are, what the Gottmans call, The Four Horsemen of the end of relationships. These patterns are predictors for the end of relationships.

Key Interventions:

• Be aware of your own defensive patterns within relationships and increase your curiosity as to when these patterns may arise

• Develop plans with your partner (friend, family member, coworker...) to help bring awareness to the patterns within both of you if they're coming out in conflicts; Here's some script examples:

  • "I think you might be doing that thing where you shut-down. Should we break for 20 minutes and talk when we're both calm?"

  • "I think I'm doing the thing where I'm shutting down; I need 30 minutes to sort out my thoughts and then can we pick this back up again?"

  • "I think you might be doing that thing where you are getting defensive. I want you to know we're on the same side and trying to solve this problem together."

  • "I want to take responsibility for my part in this and I also need you to recognize your role too so we can come up with a plan for the next time this happens."

  • "I think you might be doing the thing where you're becoming critical-- is there something bigger going on that we need to talk about?"

  • "I am noticing I'm getting critical right now; I want to recognize all the efforts you've been making and re-center this conversation into problem-solving."

  • "I think you might be doing the thing where you're viewing me with contempt. I need to know that we're both here to solve this problem and that's because we both care about each other."

  • "I am noticing I'm feeling some contempt right now. I can recognize the good qualities of you too, which is why we're having this conversation-- we want to fix things. I need to take a moment to breathe so I can speak in a respectful way."

Identifying Your Needs: A Path to Transformative Communication

At the heart of effective communication lives the ability to identify and articulate our needs. Often, we are never taught to identify our needs or we're taught in childhood that our needs are just not important. Needs don't go away simply by ignoring them. Contrarily, they tend to come out in weird ways, such as the above described patterns.

For example, the unmet need for support in keeping the house clean, can frequently come out in criticisms, passive aggressive banging of dishes, or withdrawing from a partner. The need does not go away by ignoring it. Increasing our self-awareness and understanding of our needs is a crucial step towards increasing intimacy within relationships. Part of understanding our needs is identifying why something is important to us. "I want you to want to wash dishes," is a phrase less to do with the dishes and more to do with wanting to feel supported.

Embracing New Patterns of Communication

Mastering the art of communication is a transformative endeavor. It often feels clunky and unnatural when we shift our communication patterns. One of my favorite tools for communication is this Effective Communication Worksheet. This sheet condenses communication into five simple sentences. Most people are great at stating what they perceived happened and what they feel about it, but struggle to propose solutions or describe standards within the relationship. When we only state facts and emotions, this can come off as nagging or complaining. Other times, we get lost in long narratives, or get caught in details and never find resolution.

I recommend practicing this form of communication with anyone and everyone until you have it memorized and recall it easily. Using this sheet also forces you to slow down and assess what you actually need within the situation. When we fight, we fight for something. It's essential we know what it is we are fighting for. Hopefully we're fighting for a way to become closer to our partner and improve the overall health of our relationship.

With the foundational pillars of non-violent communication, the Gottman Method, and emotional intelligence as our guiding stars, we can navigate communication in a more effective way and get our needs met within relationships across settings.