Breaking Free From Unhealthy Patterns: A Journey to Mental Wellness

Do you notice yourself getting stuck in the same situations over-and-over again? This always happens to me, you might be thinking. Sometimes we are unaware of the role we ourselves play in reinforcing our own negative beliefs. I created this chart which fuses a traditional CBT chart with a foundational belief.

The Cycle of Unhealthy Patterns

"How could I possibly be feeding in to my own negative beliefs," you may ask. "I want to have different beliefs, good beliefs! It's not like I want to feel bad," you say.

Look, I get it. Let me tell you about my negative beliefs and we'll plug it into this chart together so you can better understand how it all works.

I have the Belief, "I am unlovable." This Belief can color the way I see different Situations across settings. Do I like this belief? Nooooo. Do I want to perpetuate this belief? Nooooo. But I do. So in a Situation where maybe my partner says something small like, "I'm going to play poker tonight." But then he doesn't invite me, there can be a voice that says, "of course he didn't invite you because you're not lovable and why would he want to hang out with you?" This is the Thought within the chart below.

Then I get this feeling like I am so alone. My Emotions come barging in like unwelcomed guests. I'm sad. I'm ashamed. I'm upset. I might be angry too. I get all these emotions that really suck. So what do I do? I can do one of two default Actions to reinforce my negative belief. I pull away and shut down, or I turn into a passive aggressive ass hole. This can be me, droopy postured, walking into the bedroom and covering myself with my down blanket and spiraling down the Self-Loathing Express. Or this could be me, being cutting with my sarcasm as I begin to vigorously clean everything weird in the house that never gets cleaned, like the baseboard corners.

So how does this get me what I want (i.e.: closeness with my partner and reassurance that I am not alone and I am truly lovable?)

It doesn't.

What it does is it pushes my partner away. It leaves him confused. It transfers my shame into a guilt for him. It reinforces my own negative belief: I am unlovable.

Breaking The Cycle of Unhealthy Patterns: stop it!

So now I know what I'm doing, how do I change it?

You'll notice while looking at the chart that each of those bubbles are separated into halves. When walking a client through this exercise, we first identify the negative belief and how that pattern can play out in a given situation. We fill out the left half of each of the bubbles with that info. Then we go through on the right half of the bubbles to fill out the belief we would rather have and how we would have different thoughts, emotions and actions if we truly, truly held the more positive belief.

For example, if I truly believed, "I am lovable," in the same situation of the poker game, I would likely think something like, "just because my partner is doing something without me, doesn't mean he loves me any less." This change of thought would also change my emotions. I would likely feel secure, loved, content and peaceful. Having more positive emotions would allow me the space to choose different actions. Maybe instead of pushing my partner away, I would instead ask for a hug (actually, I ask for my partner to lie directly atop my body and tell me nice things).

What belief would I be enforcing through this change in action? Definitely less likely that I'm reinforcing that I am unlovable.

The Importance of Interrupting Patterns

Interrupting unhealthy patterns is crucial for personal growth and development. It is one thing to recognize our unhealthy patterns, but insight alone is not enough. We have to develop tangible plans for replacing behaviors if we want different outcomes. This chart can help simplify our options.

The most important question we must ask ourselves is, "Is what I'm doing getting me what I want?"

Embracing Change for Better Mental Health

Change can be daunting, especially when it involves breaking free from familiar patterns. However, it is essential for growth and self-improvement. By interrupting unhealthy patterns and aligning our actions with our values and goals, we pave the way for better overall well-being.

Remember, the journey to self-discovery and personal growth is ongoing. It requires courage, introspection, and a willingness to embrace change.

So, pause for a moment, reflect on your current behaviors, and ask yourself: Are they truly getting you closer to what you want? If not, it might be time to interrupt those patterns and steer yourself towards a path of growth and mental wellness. What are the beliefs you want to have? How can you change your patterns to change your beliefs?