Breaking Down Beliefs to Change Them: I'm not in control

In the last blog, we explored how we reinforce our own negative beliefs through our actions, and how recognizing these beliefs can help us change actions that subconsciously reinforce them. This post focuses on the belief "I'm not in control," how it influences behavior and how to change it.

I'm not in control

Beliefs about control can also manifest as:

• I'm incompetent

• I'm powerless/helpless

• I'm a victim

• I'm unimportant

• I'm unable to trust myself

These beliefs may originate from childhood experiences of powerlessness. These beliefs may also come from intense traumatic events in adulthood which result in a loss of stability or safety. When these experiences in childhood or adulthood go unaddressed, they can lead to maladaptive behaviors, such as compliance or control patterns. What used to help us feel safe or empowered actually begins to work against us.

Compliance patterns reinforce the belief of not being in control by creating situations where control is relinquished:

• Weak/inconsistent parenting expectations lead to a lack of authority

• Ignoring personal needs allows others to cross boundaries

• Deferring decisions to others reinforces feelings of unimportance/incompetence

• Entering unhealthy relationships perpetuates victimization

• Neglecting self-care results in emotional and physical dysfunction

Control patterns involve over-exerting control where it doesn't make a difference, which leaves us with a sense of powerlessness:

• Unrealistic expectations in self, relationships or experiences create frustration/disappointment

• Suppressing emotions to appear strong leads to internal and interpersonal conflict

• Not expressing needs out of fear of dependence/rejection results in isolation

• Dominating relationships/situations causes overwhelm

• Attempting to control others' actions/thoughts, instead of taking responsibility for our own, creates feelings of futility

  
  

Both patterns result in feeling out of control. To change our beliefs, we have to ask: Is what I'm doing getting me what I want? Knowing what we want is crucial and requires honest investigation and acknowledgement of our own thoughts and emotions. Importantly, ignoring our own emotions doesn't make the emotions go away, it makes them come out in inappropriate ways which don't actually serve us. For help identifying emotions as motivators, reference the quick sheet below, explained in this post.

Healthy change involves recognizing and expressing thoughts, feelings, and needs. Develop scripts such as these, for common situations to be able to respond to situations rather than react:

• I have an opinion I'd like you to consider

• I need time to give an honest answer; I'll get back to you

• I'm uncomfortable with this; can we do something else?

• It's important to me that you... Is that doable?

• We can do this, but I also need time for that

• This is my boundary; can you respect that or do I need to leave?

Develop scripts like these, for managing blocking thoughts and embracing authentic actions:

• I can leave this situation if needed

• Others can't know my thoughts, feelings, beliefs or needs unless I state them

• I'm equally important to the other in every relationship

• I'm allowed to care for/protect myself

• Am I reacting to the current situation, or something from the past?

• Emotions help me understand my needs and make change

• I'm allowed to have needs

• I can choose to have relationship with people who are caring, available and consistent

• I'm in control of how I choose to spend my time/mental energy

• I can trust myself to make the best decision or respond if a decision doesn't go how I thought it would

  
  

  

  If you have this belief, try to apply it to this chart for yourself

To change negative beliefs, we have to show up authentically and exercise our own agency. To truly have control, we must see our own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs as important. If we choose to ignore these parts of ourselves in relationship, then who is the other person actually having relationship with? If we choose to ignore these parts of ourselves in situations, we will feel like we are at the whim of our experiences. We cannot be healthy and happy without being fully present.

By resolving the past, gaining the awareness around the present impacts and learning the skill to not repeat patterns into the future, we can become fully empowered to be in control of our own lives.

While we can learn the skill of recognizing these negative beliefs and changing our actions, we may also need to process the past traumas and experiences which helped us to develop these beliefs in the first place. Working with a licensed professional can help us to make meaning of the past and let go of the emotional attachment to the narratives which feed these beliefs.