What if you are your own worst enemy: empowering yourself through confronting old narratives

How do our narratives about our situations and our role within those situations impact our ability to grow and change in a positive way?

Every week, I encourage clients to ask themselves the question, "Is what I'm doing, getting me what I want?" This question is twofold because we have to identify how we tend to work against ourselves in our daily life but also explore how to change our patterning going forward. Within the question, we are also asking ourselves, "How can I empower myself to get what I want?"

In the world of cognitive behavioralism, we have the idea of secondary gains. Secondary gains occur when we create situations which work against ourselves but also receive some subconscious benefits- the "gains" which are secondary to the actual behavior. Secondary gains are almost always dwelling in the world of the subconscious and therefore are difficult to identify but some common patterns I see might look like something like these:

• having an illness arise as an excuse to be able to rest, because without the illness, a person may feel like they don't have the permission to have boundaries

• choosing a partner who is obviously unavailable, because a person is actually not ready for vulnerable, close relationship so the unavailability feels protective

• taking on too much when starting a new goal, because a person can set themselves up for failure when they don't feel confident enough to start a new chapter yet

  
  

But these secondary gains can be even sneakier than these examples. We all develop negative beliefs about ourselves throughout our lives. These negative beliefs typically fall into categories of helplessness, worthiness, unlovability and control. They sound like, "I'm not enough," "I'm unlovable," or "I'm a failure," "I'm helpless," "I'm incompetent...." Secondary gains can work to reinforce these deeply ingrained beliefs because we're not ready to let these beliefs go. What would happen if we are fully enough, lovable, successful, empowered, or competent? For many of us, we work to reinforce the negative beliefs we have through our daily actions and thoughts so that we can continue feeling comfortable in old narratives.

So what would happen if we were to allow ourselves to be our own worst enemy? If, instead of viewing ourselves as the victims of our stories, we explored how we've been the bad guy, working against ourselves?

The answer is: we become more empowered to create the positive change we've been saying we want and begin doing away with old belief systems which no longer serve us. But how do we do that?

First, we need to identify our own negative beliefs. The belief should have a felt sense for you. Reading it out loud, you might feel a drop in your heart or tightening of your shoulders. Here is a list of general beliefs to explore. You will likely have a few of them. Once you identify your beliefs, start to consider how these beliefs show up in daily life and across relationships. When did these beliefs last pop into your head? Think of a specific instance and consider how this belief may have changed the way you showed up in that instance and how that resulted in you actually reinforcing the belief.

A personal example I can give is how I have a belief that I am unlovable. So when something happens in relationships where I feel rejected, unvalued, or not considered, I can have this belief hit. When this belief comes up, it feels like a black hole in my diaphragm which sucks me into myself. My body becomes heavy. I want to hide, so sometimes I do. I go curl up under the covers. Other times, I become defensive, which for me, comes out as passive aggression. I make snarky comments to push the other away. Through pushing others away, I may feel like I'm less likely to be hurt by them, but really, I'm reinforcing my negative beliefs about my own unlovability. I create the situation where I am more hurt.

Hiding or becoming passive aggressive don't make me any more lovable-- these actions make me more unlovable. I've learned that these behaviors just reinforce my own negative belief and will compound feelings of isolation and resentment over time. Since I know my belief and I know my bodily cues, I have been able to come up alternative actions to reinforce the belief I actually want. Instead of withdrawing, for example, I have to lean in to the relationship more. Instead of becoming passive aggressive, I have to become more transparent and vulnerable. If something comes up in my relationship, I'm now able to say to my partner, "I need you to lay on me and tell me nice things." Which is a small ask he happily meets. I also have had to learn to have those hard conversations where I express uncomfortable feelings about shame and needs.

My own map of reinforcing negative beliefs or changing them to positive beliefs

Although it feels absolutely excruciating to do the exact opposite of what I've learned to feel is safe, I am actually getting what I want now.

So what is the risk of letting go of negative beliefs? If we truly have a positive belief about ourselves, then we have to step into a space of being more responsible for our actions, and needing to confront how these beliefs developed in the first place. Therefore, a secondary gain of reinforcing our own negative beliefs can be avoiding the work we need to do to be happier. By reinforcing those negative beliefs, we can comfortably perpetuate old narratives and continue blaming others for our discontent. If I truly see myself as worthy of love though, for example, I have to work through conflicts, develop boundaries to demonstrate self-respect and heal hurtful past experiences. It's a lot of work and a lot of responsibility.

It's unrealistic to think that if we identify our beliefs, we can change them over night. This work is a process and it's going to have progresses, setbacks and lingering reactions as well as small triumphs. All of this is normal. The worst thing we can do to ourselves while working to develop more positive beliefs, is to berate and shame ourselves when we slip up or don't catch our old patterns rearing their heads. Mental health is a cultivation process, not a race with a finish line.

Acknowledging where and how we have worked against ourselves can inform us how we can do something different next time.

Just remember to give yourself grace with your growth, and keep asking, "Is what I'm doing, getting me what I want?"