How to Make Real Boundaries and Have Them Respected

I've been hearing a lot of discussion about boundaries in common culture in a way which is maybe just plain unhealthy. People are talking about boundaries like they mean, "you do what I say." This isn't boundaries. This is being controlling. At the real heart of boundaries is a profound self-respect and self-love.

Boundaries aren't about controlling what other people are doing, they're about empowering ourselves to demonstrate self-love.

So what does that even mean?

Boundaries require us to understand our own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs and express them to others while staying in our own integrity.

Consider the last time you had a boundary crossed. How did you handle it? Did you let the other person know about your boundary? Did you become passive aggressive? Maybe you shut down and didn't say anything. Maybe you developed a list of excuses for why the person may have behaved the way they did and let it slide...

If boundaries aren't addressed, we tend to build resentments towards the other person. We ruminate about how the situation was unjust, how we became a victim, how we could have done something differently, what we should have said or how we want to confront the person later and just give them a piece of our minds. But the deeper conflict within all of this is how we build resentment towards ourselves.

Any time we allow our boundaries to be crossed, we put ourselves into a position of betraying ourselves. We've minimized our importance within the relationship and dismissed our own feelings and needs.

So how do we make boundaries?

When working with clients to develop boundaries for the first time, they often respond with taking a sledge hammer to their relationships-- they become hyperaware of their own needs and the years of resentment for not advocating for theirselves turns into aggressively asserting those expectations and needs onto others. This is an example of having rigid boundaries. While having no boundaries makes us "porous" to others, rigid boundaries push others away. Boundaries aren't meant to isolate us, they're meant to be a tool for authentic connections. In healthy relationship, both parties are seen as equally important and equally valuable. In healthy relationship, both parties want to work to respect each other's boundaries and come to mutual understanding and cooperative solutions. In this way, boundaries work more as a bridge, than as a barrier.

No one can know what you think, feel, believe or need unless you express it. By expressing these parts of yourself, you generate a space of authentic connection-- you are able to attract the people, experiences and situations which are congruent to and healthy for you and remove yourself from people, experiences and situations which are not congruent to or healthy for you. Boundaries push us to connect more authentically with ourselves. To have boundaries, we have to understand what is congruent with who we are and then respect who we are deeply.

Boundaries require us to understand what is within our own integrity.

If it's not within my own integrity to become passive aggressive, make myself small, allow myself to be treated poorly, over-extend myself or to become explosive or unkind, then the question is, how do I empower myself to manage situations in a way which upholds my values of equity, problem-solving, respect and kindness? If your personal values are different for these, then identify those values and consider how you can uphold them.

Really, the practice looks like developing scripts, stating needs calmly and clearly, or walking away if necessary.

What do Boundaries [Not] Sound Like?

• Boundaries don't sound like, "you're such a crazy narcissist and you never listen to me!"

• Boundaries do sound like, "I need to feel heard right now, but if you can't do that, I think I should go."

  
  

• Boundaries don't sound like, "I am sick of being given more work than I can possibly do."

• Boundaries do sound like, "I'm not able to take on more work right now, maybe we can figure out someone else who do that."

  
  

• Boundaries don't sound like, "if you don't have sex with me right now, then you obviously don't love me."

• Boundaries do sounds like, "I really need physical intimacy to feel loved; do you feel like we can work up to that or are we incompatible in that way?"

  
  

• Boundaries don't sound like, "it's so annoying when my mom calls and talks about politics!"

• Boundaries do sound like, "hey mom, I want us to have a good relationship so can we talk about something else right now or should we try and talk another time?"

  
  

• Boundaries don't sound like, "my friend is going through a hard time and so I have to be there for him, even though I'm so exhausted and have my own stuff I'm upset about."

• Boundaries do sound like, "hey friend, I'm going through a hard time too and don't really have the emotional space to talk."

  
  

Notice how real boundaries are focused on honoring what is authentic to oneself, not about coercing someone else into doing something differently or ignoring our own needs. Sometimes, two people are just incompatible and this also doesn't necessarily mean anyone is 'bad' or 'wrong' (with the exception of abuse).

Making boundaries in the moment can be hard. It takes a lot of practice. But if we aren't able to make them in the moment, it doesn't mean we've lost our chance! We can make boundaries after something has happened, by addressing the issue directly, or we can develop scripts for common boundary confrontations that can arise in the future.

Creating Boundaries Around Past Experiences

To retroactively address a boundary, we can use the effective communication worksheet. Again, this requires us to understand, acknowledge and express our own thoughts, feelings and needs. Let's pretend there's a conflict in a partnership over the dishes. One partner became passive aggressive when they expected the other to do the dishes. Both can feel like their boundaries are crossed in this situation. Here's how both can discuss this situation to develop boundaries for going forward.

"I noticed yesterday that when you were upset about the dishes, you were slamming things around the kitchen and making sarcastic remarks. You might not have intended this, but it felt really unsafe for me. I need us to both feel like we're safe and respected in this relationship and that means we can't be passive aggressive with each other. Going forward, if you need to me do something, can you just ask me? Or maybe we can make a rotating chart of who is doing the dishes? What do you think?"

"I noticed yesterday that when I got home, the dishes were piled up and all over the kitchen and you were sitting on the couch. You may not have intended this, but it made me feel like you don't respect my time and expect me to take care of the house alone; this makes me feel hurt and lonely. I'm okay with you needing to rest and take care of yourself, but I'm not okay with feeling like I'm alone in taking care of our shared responsibilities. In the future, would you be able to do the dishes before relaxing on the days you know I'm working late? Or how do you think we can address this going forward?"

Developing Scripts

If you know there are common areas where your boundaries are crossed, then work to create scripts for those situations. These situations tend to be emotionally triggering, especially if they resemble past, unresolved boundary crossings. Having a script gives you something to say, even if you are feeling emotionally flooded.

Scripts should be short, direct and reiterated as frequently throughout the experience as-needed. They describe what we are and/or aren't available for. And remember, most situations can be walked away from or put on hold until both parties are regulated and in a clear space to talk. Here are some examples.

Boundaries around time:

"I have to think about my availability and get back to you."

"Here's what I am available for and what I'm not..."

Physical Boundaries:

"I need you to not touch me without permission."

"I need some space right now."

Emotional Boundaries:

"I don't have the bandwidth for that right now, can we talk about this in an hour?"

"I really need for you to hear what I'm feeling right now and have that acknowledged."

"I need to be addressed with kindness and respect."

Sexual Boundaries:

"This feels uncomfortable for me so we need to stop."

"I can't do ... but I can ..."

Intellectual Boundaries:

"I need to feel like we're both equal and that you value my thoughts."

"I don't feel like we're seeing this the same way so I'd like to talk about something else."

Material Boundaries:

"I need you to respect my things."

"I can't offer that to you right now."

Importantly, we don't always need to have a "why" behind needing to make boundaries in a moment. We can just recognize our discomfort, address it ("I'm noticing I'm feeling uncomfortable right now, can we pause?") or leave the situation and then understand the "why" later.

Making boundaries can change who we are able to connect with. People who have known us throughout a boundary-less life may struggle to adjust to us suddenly advocating for our own needs. This process can be uncomfortable and we may weed people out of our lives who once were very important to us. And this is okay.

In learning how to respect and honor ourselves, we are able to find the people, situations and workplaces which actually align with who we are as a person.