Breaking Free from Codependence Patterns

Early on when meeting with new clients, I bring out the patterns of codependence sheet. We all have some of these patterns, but the question to consider with mental health is always: is this dysfunctional, dangerous or distressing? It's also important to consider with what frequency and what severity are these patterns coming up.

Defining Codependence

As mammals, we are codependent creatures. Living in isolation isn't healthy for us and isn't protective for us from an evolutionary psychology perspective. Codependence has become a buzz word for individuals to express their discomfort within their need for human connection but this isn't what is meant when we are defining someone as having codependence within the mental health world. When mental health professionals talk about codependence, we're talking about unhealthy patterns which lead to enmeshment, a loss of oneself, over-identification with another and ongoing disruption in relationships.

What are the Patterns?

As described by CoDA, or Codependents Anonymous, there are five major patterns of codependence: denial, control, compliance, low self-esteem and avoidance. Most of us have some denial patterns.

Denial patterns are maladaptively protective, meaning that in childhood, denial helped us to get through uncomfortable, unsafe or otherwise unbearable situations because children are unable to escape those situations; As adults however, denial patterns no longer serve us and instead enable us to stay in unhealthy situations longer. We deny our own thoughts, feelings and needs within these situations and ignore facts which don't align with how we want to the situation to be.

Control patterns are interesting ones because they frequently present with best intentions. I see a lot of women clients come in with the idea that they are being helpful or even martyrs of sorts, but really they struggle to let go of control. This can look like not trusting others to be able to take care of their selves and therefore taking on more responsibility than what is reasonable in the relationship and then feeling resentful at that responsibility.

Compliance patterns are the "If I just.... then they will ...." If I just clean enough, then he will be happy with me; If I just make enough money, then she will love me; If I'm just quiet enough, then they will stop yelling; If I'm just supportive enough, then she will want to have sex with me again; If I just work hard enough, then he will appreciate me.... Compliance patterns require us again to deny ourselves in the hopes of getting the love we yearn for.

Low self-esteem patterns involve a deep belief of not being worthy. If I'm not worthy of the love of another, I may make myself small or invisible within the relationship, or, I may try to inflate myself to compensate for not feeling worthy. These are two ends of action with the same underlying belief.

Avoidance patterns come from experiencing love as something of chronic disappointment where we learn our needs can't be met. Avoidance patterns involve being in proximity to another, but never truly connecting with the other. This pattern can look like pervasive criticism to keep the other at a distance. Of course, we all want closeness, so individuals with this pattern are in a constant state of longing.

Embracing Authentic Connection

True connection requires authenticity - the ability to show up as our genuine selves, with all our vulnerabilities and imperfections. When we free ourselves from patterns codependency, we create space for genuine connection. By increasing our awareness of our patterns, we are able to change our actions and thoughts to make change. Sometimes this awareness requires us to increase our relationship with our own emotions. Unless we can identify our emotions and acknowledge them, how could we possibly know our own needs and thoughts? Frequently, this awareness requires us to confront underlying beliefs of worthiness (or lack thereof). If we don't feel worthy at our core, how could we feel entitled to express our needs and take action to have those needs met? Always, this awareness requires us to be honest - with ourselves and our partners.

Simple Practices

Again, we all have some of these patterns. To confront these patterns, I have some simple suggestions.

• write down all the facts of your relationship - do the good outweigh the bad?

• increase bodily awareness of emotions; don't ignore those gut feelings

• ask yourself who you are separate of your partner - what are your goals and values?

• increase awareness of when you feel worthy

• ask yourself if you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole

get yourself a counselor

Needing people doesn't make you codependent. Sacrificing your sense of self for the idea of love makes you codependent. Learning boundaries, having the ability to identify your own thoughts, feelings and needs, accepting and loving yourself, will all help to reduce codependence.