Parenting doesn't come with a manual, especially for kids with neurodivergence

 He’s just being difficult. It’s like she’s trying to piss me off. They used to do well in school and all of a sudden, they don’t care. I don’t know why I have to repeat myself so much—it’s like he doesn’t listen. She has these freak outs over nothing. They don’t want to try. Why can’t he just be good?

Underneath these statements is something more tender parents are feeling: I don’t know how to parent my child. I’m worried about their future. I feel out of control and over my head.

But for kids with neurodivergence, these statements tell them: There’s something wrong with you. Everything should be easier and you are making it bad. If you just tried harder, then everything could be okay. You’re the problem. You need to be fixed.

The truth is, we can't "fix" our kids without fixing parts of the family which just aren't working. When I can help parents understand their child’s neurodivergence, then I can help them to parent in ways which support their kids and the overall health of their families.

Through education, the biggest revelation I see in parents is the moment of recognizing their kids really can’t help it.

Behaviors which had be perceived to be intentionally harmful, defiant, deceitful or difficult are reframed to a softer compassionate understanding that their kids have been trying their hardest but are still unable to figure out how to abide by societal norms. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t.

Kids don’t just get messaging from their parents, they get it from teachers, coaches and peers. The most hurtful impact for kids of being told (often times) every day that they are being “bad” is that they start to believe it. They begin to own the role of the Problem Child, or they internalize their shame and develop a deep doubt about their selves and their ability to connect with others.

So how does neurodivergence impact child-parent relationships, how do we address parenting in a neuro-informed way and how do we make repairs necessary for moving forward?

Because I don't know how long anyone will read this, I want to start with some ground rules for parenting, whether or not your child has neurodivergence. Then we'll get into everything else!

The Basic Rules of Parenting

Stay regulated

·      As mammals, we coregulate to the dominant nervous system in the room. Take long slow breaths, monitor tone and volume, take a break and come back—few issues need to be resolved immediately.

·      You set the tone for the culture of your home. Ask yourself: What is important to me? What are the values of our home? Does the way I am behaving right now align with those values?

·     Taking care of yourself is taking care of your family. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be regulated.

Connect before you correct

·      Let kids know that your corrections are coming from a place of care and love, not from a place of anger and control. Relationships are about working together and connecting, not about proving who is "right" or who is at fault. Here are some script examples:

·      “Hey, we all want to have a healthy, happy home, and part of that is making sure we are all contributing. I’m not trying to upset you by asking you to do chores, I just can’t take care of the home alone because that wouldn’t be fair. So I need you to pick up your stuff and put it away.”

·      “It’s okay to be upset about not getting what you want, but it’s not okay for you to talk to me rudely because it hurts my feelings and you wouldn’t want me to talk to you that way.”

·      “I’m not bringing this up because I think you’re bad or something, it’s because I love you and I’m worried. We need to talk about how we’re going to get your grades up. I’m on your side and want you to be successful.”

Choose your battles!

·      Ask yourself, is this the hill I want to die on?

·      Imagine how you would feel if you were getting the same corrections. Frequently, when parents feel out of control in larger ways, they will begin to micromanage things that are not really important (how your kid is sitting at the table, how what they said is not quite right, how they missed a spot while wiping the counters). While these small interactions give a temporary sense of control, they are not solving larger, underlying sources of loss of control.

·     We want to teach our children to make the best decisions possible, which means sometimes letting go of small things; if it's a pattern of behavior, address the pattern in a calm, loving way. If it is of imminent danger, always step in.

Assume the best

·      Work to slow down reactivity and ask yourself how you would respond differently if you were to assume the best—if you assumed your child was not trying to create problems, for instance.

·      When going into a negative mindset, try listing facts for yourself (not just the ones which support your negative perception!)

·      Assume generally that children want the love and approval of their parents.

Don’t lecture!

·      If it takes more than 10 minutes to say it, you’ve probably already lost your kid’s attention.

·      Use the effective communication sheet to create more concise conversations—it requires you to know what you need from the other person prior to even speaking.

·      Ask your kids what their thoughts are and help them to weigh out the risks, rewards, regrets and resentments of their choices. Kids need to develop decision making skills to become healthy adults.

Be consistent

·      If you create a boundary, enforce it in a way which is appropriate and previously discussed (ex: taking a phone away for a day if your child breaks screen time rules; having your kid do their chores before getting rewards).

·      Consistency provides safety. Show up in a consistent way so your child can know what to expect from you, the family and the home life you're creating together. Consistency requires regulation.

Attachment

From birth, kids with neurodivergence will frequently present as “difficult” babies. Challenges with sensory processing and sensitivities, along with food allergies and differences in brain chemistry which regulate sleep-wake cycles, can all cause a baby with neurodivergence to communicate in the only way babies can: crying. Inconsolable crying at times. This “neediness” can be overwhelming to caregivers who can become less loving towards their baby, short tempered, withdrawn or cold. The behaviors which seem erratic, elicit responses which rupture attachment. From infancy, many individuals with neurodivergence are already receiving the message that needs will not be met, or they will be met inconsistently; or worse, that love will never be given or that love is inconsistent.

Then throughout childhood, the inability to regulate emotions continues to reinforce these beliefs. It is normal for individuals with neurodivergence to struggle with experiences of daily life, causing them to “act out” when they become exhausted from trying to regulate all day long.

Common Struggles

·      Sensory overload from sounds, including chatter, smells, lights, textures, new/ intense flavors of foods

·      Difficulty navigating social interactions, struggles reading/misinterpreting social cues, not understanding how to accurately convey emotions to others

·      Difficulty with memory/concentration required to complete sequential tasks, like chores or school work

·      Difficulty with impulse control, emotional regulation and theory of mind (how might someone else feel if…)

·      Inability to regulate sleep cycles

·      Difficulty with transitions, including pulling oneself away from a state of ‘hyper-focus’

·      Understanding and managing time

All of these struggles can impact a person every single day, all day long, which creates an underlying anxiety and stress on a daily basis. Likewise, emotions then become overwhelming and often unnamable. But, if we can understand how an individual’s brain works, then we can understand how to support them more fully.

Sensory Difficulties

If your child is experiencing sensory difficulties, it may be difficult for them to even identify them—because what else do they have to compare to, other than their own lived experience?

Small, safe exposures and ‘prosthetics’ can help support your child. For example, maybe they have an aversion to different types of textures/flavors of food. Have them try one bite of something new, rather than expecting them to eat all of it. We can change the gut-microbiome (highly linked to neurodivergence) through even small amounts of new foods, which then create more of a desire to eat the new food. Getting noise-cancelling headphones is an example of using a ‘prosthetic’ to help reduce exposure to sounds which may be perceived as threats or distract kids with neurodivergence from completing necessary tasks. Having dimmers on lights or ambered bulbs can reduce over-stimulation of light. Creating a space for completing homework, which is free of distracting visuals can promote greater focus. Skin brushing is something recommended for kids with touch sensitives, but you can also see if your child is open to you giving then massages or putting lotion on their arms/legs/back. It’s important to not make this into a forced activity though—remember, we’re wanting interventions to feel safe.

Social/ Identity Difficulties

Kids with neurodivergence may struggle to understand body language (including facial expressions), tone/volume/intonation subtleties in speech, which can give cues to nuance in communication. What I frequently see is then kids misinterpreting cues, skewing to the negative, and reacting to their own misinterpretations. Likewise, kids can miss the cues that they have crossed a boundary and think they are ‘playing’ when really they are being aggressive, intrusive or rude.

It’s important to remember, we all want to fit in and be loved. These kids just need more social coaching. Especially in a time where kids are being raised by screens, and we have become more socially isolated than ever before in human history, it’s not surprising that we may need to break some things down!

Here are some scripts which can be helpful:

·      It seems like you’ve misinterpreted what I was meaning there; what I meant was…

·      Let’s slow things down for a minute; how do you think you might feel if … was happening to you?

·      Can you take a minute to look at me and tell me what you think I might be feeling right now?

·      When someone says … what they mean is …

·      Did you notice that your tone/expression/body language is showing others that you feel… is that what you are meaning to express?

·      You might not mean to, but when you do … I feel … so can you …

Kids with neurodivergence learn, sometimes from a very early age, that they cannot be accepted for who they are. They can then develop a coping mechanism of masking. Masking is a process where individuals will present how they feel like they ‘should’ in order to gain the acceptance and love of others. But this coping comes with a high toll mentally, emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes masking causes individuals to feel like two separate people, with the ‘real’ version of their selves hidden from the world. If your kid gets raving reviews from teachers or other adults and then has intense acting out behaviors at home, this is an indication that they having probably learned to effortfully and painfully act all day at school and are wiped out by the time they come home, leading to ‘meltdowns’.

Interventions which can help are:

·      Telling your child you love and accept them sincerely, every day (rewrite the negative narrative of self, discussed earlier)

·      Create a ‘cozy corner’ where kids can spend time regulating after socially intense or mentally demanding tasks, raising emotional reactivity, unexpected changes… This should have self-soothing activities available, such as therapy putty, stress ball, lavender spray, glitter jar, sketch book, regulating music, weighted blanket…

·      Help your child to recognize their cues and advocate for their needs—they probably have a bodily sensation or a series of thoughts which accompanies dysregulation, help them to develop scripts to ask for their needs to be met

·      Encourage them to make friends through shared interests

Memory/ Focus/ Time Difficulties

Kids with neurodivergence may struggle to have a sense of time, explicit memory (remembering specific events), working memory (the ability to hold a list in their head, remember what was just said), and struggle to concentrate. Remember, this is something they cannot help. They are not trying to get you angry with them and no one wants to feel like they are constantly messing up.

Here are some very easy interventions I recommend:

·      Create written schedules with explicitly defined expectations (like a chore chart)

·      Break down tasks into smaller written check lists. It may feel dumb to do, but when we can break down tasks, nothing is forgotten. “Clean room” might be broken down into “make bed, take out trash, vacuum carpet, put away laundry, wipe down surfaces…”

·      Set timers and alarms. Timers and alarms will help with transitioning between different tasks, help kids to better understand the flow of time and give a clear guide on when a task should end by.

·      Write down important events, expectations and agreements, and put them somewhere everyone can see them.

·      Talk with schools about giving kids written instructions for tasks and their steps so kids can reference them.

·      Discuss transitions before they happen. Help the kid to know when transitions are coming and set timers/alarms for them to know the transition is approaching

Repairs

Being a parent is hard. Kids don’t come with an operating manual. We will frequently parent from a place of doing things ‘better’ than what we grew up with. We’re all learning. And with the mindset of learning, we have to forgive ourselves for never having been taught different skills to parent our kids in the way they may have needed. It’s okay to not have known anything different. And if your kid has neurodivergence, understanding how their brain works can help you as a parent to show up in a different way. We may need to make repairs though.

When I talk about the repair process, I’m not talking about shaming yourself into immobility. I’m talking about taking ownership for an unintentional harm you inflicted and making a plan to do things in a healthier way going forward. Collaborating with your child to make plans to change behaviors on both end is important.

There are three basic steps to repair work:

1) Acknowledge specific experiences and how your actions were not aligned with how you want to be. 

Examples:

·      “I know in the past, I’ve had a pattern of yelling. I want our home to feel safe and I want you to feel loved, so I’m sorry I’ve been in this pattern.”

·      “I am sorry I didn’t understand that you were really struggling and trying your hardest in school. I would say things about you needing to try harder, but I now get that you were trying your hardest.”

2) Acknowledge how these experiences might have made the other person feel.

Examples:

·      “You probably felt pretty isolated, unloved or unsafe when I was yelling.”

·      “You probably felt like you couldn’t do anything right, or like you weren’t good enough.”

3) Make a plan for going forward and loop the other person in on it.

Examples:

·      “So going forward, I’m going to take a break from the conversation if I feel like I’m getting wound up. Can we work together to pause and then come back when we’re both calmed down?”

·      “In the future, I’m going to work with your teachers to try and make some changes so you don’t have to feel overwhelmed at school, and I’m going to try to take your word that you’re being honest with the level of effort you say you’re putting out. What changes do you think would be helpful?”

Testing and Diagnosis

Occupational therapists can test to identify many types of neurodivergence, such as dysgraphia or different memory impairments. Pediatricians can walk parents through the process for diagnosing ADHD, based on self-report and collateral information from teachers. To get an ASD diagnosis which is official, in the State of Colorado, you need to get your kid in with medical doctor, who is a pediatrician and trained in ASD (Children’s Hospital has a lengthy waitlist for assessment). The same goes for dyslexia. But working with schools is so important. If your child has one of these official diagnoses, they are legally protected and entitled to reasonable accommodations in the classroom. You will likely have to advocate hard for them though. School psychologists can give unofficial diagnoses to develop Individual Education Plans for students who may fail or be expelled without them, but for kids who are passing classes and have ‘good enough’ behavior, they will likely be slipping through cracks of much needed support systems in school.

Final Notes

Neurodivergence is a spectrum. On that spectrum, we can find ASD, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, memory impairment disorders, sensory processing disorders and whole lot more. In a lecture by Tony Attwood, a specialist in ASD, he says that up to 60 percent of the population has some form of neurodivergence. This number can account for under diagnosis since other sources report approximately 40 percent of the population in the US had neurodivergence of some form. Autism Speaks recently put out a statistic that 1 in 33 kids are predicted to have ASD. Frequently, if we have one form of neurodivergence, we can qualify for a diagnosis of another form. Testing is critical to understand how your child’s brain works.

Even if you don’t have official diagnoses, and you assume your kid has neurodivergence, nothing discussed above will be harmful to your relationship with your child and can still be helpful!